The Security Guard Talks

Cloud · Post by **Cloud** » Thu Aug 04, 2005 1:06 pm

Yeah that's right. You don't say.

Not Sir Phobos · Post by **Not Sir Phobos** » Fri Aug 05, 2005 3:54 pm

The security guard at work is kind of a buddy so I printed out the stories and gave them to him so he has something to do on those long nights.

aernath · Post by **aernath** » Fri Aug 05, 2005 5:18 pm

We get a lot of inane stuff at the airport too.

Marshallese calls: Is Rinky there?
Me: No. He's out at 8660.
Mar: Is Friend Joe there?
Me: No. He's out at 8660.
Mar: Is Terry there?
Me: No. He's out at 8660.
Mar: Are there any Marshallese there I can speak with?
Me: No. They're all out at 8660. Can I help you?
Mar: Oh. What time the plane?

Other variation:
Caller: What time the plane?
Me: Which one? We have two today.
Caller: Continental
Me: Which one? We have two today. One coming from Guam, the other from Honolulu.
Caller: Do you know if my sister is on the plane?

...honestly...

In_Gabriel_We_Trust · Post by **In_Gabriel_We_Trust** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 2:04 pm

Not Sir Phobos wrote:The security guard at work is kind of a buddy so I printed out the stories and gave them to him so he has something to do on those long nights.

Spread the word. But I deny any responsability !

And how about this one ?

A meeting with a bunch of people including the client (c), the security sales representative (s) and the guard (G) (guess who

)

C : We are interested in a security system based on bio-signatures.

S : We have several state-of-the-art systems, but I don't know what you mean by bio-signature recognition.

C : Well, the camera spots a person and can make an identification through the person's height, weight, bone structure, blood type...

S : Bone structure ?

G : Blood type ?

C : Yes. I've seen it on the Discovery Channel years ago. The US Army was using it.

S : I have to admit I've never heard of such a thing.

G : Well, the strange thing is, it sounds familiar but I can't put my finger on it.

C : I supposed it would have been commercialised by now. I remember MacGyver was hosting the documentary.

G : MacGyver... as in Richard Dean Anderson ?

C : Yes. He was wearing a military outfit.

G : Did he have the rank of Colonel ?

C : Yes ! You saw the documentary too ?

G : I have a strong suspicion that instead of a documentary on the Discovery channel, you've seen an episode of "Stargate : SG1".

Not Sir Phobos · Post by **Not Sir Phobos** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 2:54 pm

In_Gabriel_We_Trust wrote:And how about this one ?

A meeting with a bunch of people including the client (c), the security sales representative (s) and the guard (G) (guess who )

C : We are interested in a security system based on bio-signatures.

S : We have several state-of-the-art systems, but I don't know what you mean by bio-signature recognition.

C : Well, the camera spots a person and can make an identification through the person's height, weight, bone structure, blood type...

S : Bone structure ?

G : Blood type ?

C : Yes. I've seen it on the Discovery Channel years ago. The US Army was using it.

S : I have to admit I've never heard of such a thing.

G : Well, the strange thing is, it sounds familiar but I can't put my finger on it.

C : I supposed it would have been commercialised by now. I remember MacGyver was hosting the documentary.

G : MacGyver... as in Richard Dean Anderson ?

C : Yes. He was wearing a military outfit.

G : Did he have the rank of Colonel ?

C : Yes ! You saw the documentary too ?

G : I have a strong suspicion that instead of a documentary on the Discovery channel, you've seen an episode of "Stargate : SG1".

I cried, I laughed, I PEED!

aernath · Post by **aernath** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 4:11 pm

That was so good, I had to share with everyone at work!

(they loved it too)

Xelloss · Post by **Xelloss** » Sun Aug 14, 2005 12:26 am

In_Gabriel_We_Trust wrote: C : Well, the camera spots a person and can make an identification through the person's height, weight, bone structure, blood type...

S : Bone structure ?

G : Blood type ?

I have to admit, I've seen this in my field as well.

A: We've like to add monitor assest tag numbers to the automated inventory tracking database.

B: Er... how would we have access to such data during software system scans?

A: It is written on the sticker stuck to the monitors.

B: So apparently we need an army of androids to make this happen.

In_Gabriel_We_Trust · Post by **In_Gabriel_We_Trust** » Sun Aug 14, 2005 2:02 am

Xelloss wrote:army of androids

I think you put you finger on it.
A lot of requests we get usually involve bending the rules of space, time and thermodynamics.

" You seven ! Split up in equal groups of five ! "

" In the next hour I want you to spend 15 minutes at each of the five checkpoints. "

In_Gabriel_We_Trust · Tue Oct 04, 2005 12:54 pm

This an excerpt of the ongoing conversation I had today :

Client : New policy concerning the parking lot. Nobody is allowed to park their car on the lawn next to the parking lot.

Me : Good. Wat happens if they do ?

C : They are not allowed to.

M : Yes of course. But what happens if they do ?

C : They can't.

M : Well, you see. They CAN. It is perfectly possible to drive a car onto the lawn next to the parking lot.

C : We must forbid them to do it.

M : I know. Hence the policy.

C : Problem solved then.

M : No. We still don't know what to do when someone parks their car on the lawn.

C : I keep telling you : they are not allowed to park on the lawn.

M : I know. That's why I'm asking : what if someone actually parks their car on the lawn ?

C : They should not.

M : I know they shouldn't.

C : And why shouldn't they ?

M : Because of the policy. Please don't say...

C : ... problem solved.

M : Nooooooooooooo ! It's not because you make a rule it is not going to get broken ! I need to know what happens if someone breaks the rule. What are we going to do if someone breaks the rule ?

C : The policy...

M :

In_Gabriel_We_Trust · Post by **In_Gabriel_We_Trust** » Wed Mar 01, 2006 4:20 am

It's been quite a while, but that doesn't stop people.

Guard (phone) : Excuse me, sir. There is car blocking a hydrant on the parking. According to our database, it belongs to you. Can you confirm you drive a black Saab with license plate SDE-124 ?

Man : What license plate?

Guard: SDE-124.

Man : Didn't quite get that.

Guard : SDE-124, Sierra Delta Echo One Two Four

Man : No that can't be mine. My license plate isn't that long.

In_Gabriel_We_Trust · Post by **In_Gabriel_We_Trust** » Wed Mar 01, 2006 4:25 am

Man (Phone): Could I talk to mr. X ?

Guard : I'm sorry, sir. That person is not near his phone. Shall I contact a secretary?

Man : No have to talk to him personally because it concerns a personal issue.

Guard : Shall I put you in contact with the secretary than so you can leave a message ?

Man : No, I really have to talk to him personally. He left his car at our repair shop for cleaning because his mistress smeared lipstick all over the backseat and when we took it out we found a heap of porn magazines involving weird fetishes...

aernath · Post by **aernath** » Wed Mar 01, 2006 3:17 pm

Just the other day:
"Do I come here to pick up my baggage, or should I go to where we normally pick up our baggage?"

In_Gabriel_We_Trust · Post by **In_Gabriel_We_Trust** » Wed Mar 01, 2006 3:41 pm

That is a doozy !

In_Gabriel_We_Trust · Post by **In_Gabriel_We_Trust** » Sat Nov 25, 2006 4:24 am

Oh.. March?... I see it's been a while. So here's a new one:

Person: This morning, I want to make a phone call (from Brussels) to Miami. What is the time difference?

Guard: I'm guessing that would be about 6 or 7 hours.

Person: What will it be if I call in the afternoon?