god love my dad and church ladies who can't type. . .

kisara · Post by **kisara** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 4:48 pm

They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

Ashura · Post by **Ashura** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 5:05 pm

LOL Those were funny.

My Favorite:

"Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done."

The BEST way to meet a man...right after all the B.S.

yoshito · Post by **yoshito** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 5:36 pm

I'm glad I didn't read these when people were around. Trying to hold my laughter back at some of these.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Ashura · Post by **Ashura** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 6:16 pm

I missed that one :hitting:

Cloud · Post by **Cloud** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 6:16 pm

Understood. What was it like before the bs rollin[quote] ?

klet · Post by **klet** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 8:15 pm

Boy, I'm glad my roommate wasn't around. Forget about holding the laughter in, I was laughing so hard I cried. Here's a few personal favs.

kisara wrote: Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Because we all know how worthless those are.

If not, well, read the marriage thread!! Us beta women have terrible luck in love.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

So you're telling me that a few months ago I wasn't just horribly overweight? Well, what'd know?

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

That's a mighty large envelope--unless they've been cremated, of course.

Oh, and you've got to love the announcement about the live strippers.

Baakay · Post by **Baakay** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 8:36 pm

"Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

I can witness to that, by god.

Spend 12 years not singing on a regular basis, and the deterioration gets pretty obvious!.

Lynxa · Post by **Lynxa** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 8:52 pm

Those are GREAT!!!

The cans to cripple children with is my favorite

(Ooooooh those wacky misplaced modifiers)

Kujaku · Post by **Kujaku** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:23 pm

"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. "

Marauder · Post by **Marauder** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:30 pm

Oh man, I was rolling on the floor!

So hilarious...

Hakiri · Post by **Hakiri** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 12:52 pm

LMAO Kate! You never cease to make me laugh!! XD

These were all so funny!! XD Must.. contain... laughter!!! I'm gettin' so many strange looks right now, but ah well who cares? LOL!

These are my favourites:

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Cloud · Post by **Cloud** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 12:52 pm

No I sometimes cease to make him or her laugh. Hm getting late.

In_Gabriel_We_Trust · Post by **In_Gabriel_We_Trust** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 1:24 pm

So funny. ANd they come in every language.
Too bad the ones I know in Dutch can't be translated.

Not Sir Phobos · Post by **Not Sir Phobos** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 3:39 pm

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

Classic!!

Anime-Beta TNG

god love my dad and church ladies who can't type. . .

god love my dad and church ladies who can't type. . .

Re: god love my dad and church ladies who can't type. . .